Army of Dog

This post on Rachel’s site generated a lot of discussion about women, men, and their respective needs in relationships. As I read through the comment thread, one commenter’s question stood out to me:

Erin_Coda Says:

That being said– for you guys in the group, is there any way for a woman to reassure her guy that she has no plans to chop off her hair or trade her little black dress for elastic-waist “mommy” jeans?

I’ve heard a similar question from female friends or acquaintances. Men seem to be accustomed to paying for the mistakes of other men when it comes to women’s expectations, but I’ve come across more and more women who feel like they are paying for the sins of their sisters lately. I’m far from a relationship expert, but, since I constantly seek to provide the kind of quality of insight that you’ve come to expect from free advice on the internet, I’d like to offer my humble answer to the above question. So ladies, grab a comfy chair and follow me for a deep and penetrating insight into the male psyche.

The point has been made many times that men are emotionally simple creatures. I use the word simple very deliberately, and you will notice that simple is not a synonym for stupid . The spectrum of male emotional needs is not a broad one, especially in comparison with the female spectrum. It is, however, every bit as critical to the success of relationships.

I want to begin with a disclaimer. Everything I’m about to say is a gross generalization. There are women who tend to be more masculine and men who tend to be less so. I understand this, but I don’t feel like qualifying every statement I make with an acknowledgment of the exceptions to every rule. If what I’m saying doesn’t apply to you, then I apologize in advance.

What are those few simple needs you ask? First is the need for respect. I don’t mean the kind of “obey me, for I am Man” caricature that feminists use to paint men as patriarchal oppressors. I mean a simple respect for the fact that your partner’s nature is a fundamentally male one. It comes as a surprise to no one with an ounce of sense that men and women are different. He is not going to like the same things you like, he won’t react to events the same way you do, and things that seem to be of enormous consequence to you may not be to him. If you treat these differences with respect, you will almost certainly get the same in return.

Secondly, men have a need to feel useful. More specifically, we need to feel useful in certain ways. No matter how put out we act, we love the fact that you call us in from another room to kill a spider. We want to know that you need us, even if you think you don’t. If you want to kill the desire a man has to be with you, make him feel useless and then make fun of his desire to be otherwise.

Lastly, men need sex. Yeah, you knew it was coming, good for you. I’m confident that I’m not exactly breaking news to anyone on that front. Much of human civilization has been engineered around our desire to see your boobies. It’s sad, but true. What you may not be as clear on is the fact that we also need to not be made to feel like burdensome perverts for that fact. Our need is not just for sex, it’s also a need to feel like you aren’t doing us some kind of special favor by participating. I don’t care if a couple is having sex ten times a week, if the woman is acting like she’s doing the man a favor they’re headed for trouble.

This is where we get to the specific answer to the question asked in the comment thread. If you want to convince a man early on that you’re not the type to let yourself go or abandon all attempts at femininity, all you have to do is demonstrate your understanding that his need to find you physically appealing is an important one. If it’s obvious from the outset that a woman understands that being attractive is about meeting a need for me, and not just a mechanism for gaining my attention, I won’t spend a single moment worrying about mommy jeans or unflattering haircuts.

That’s it, three simple needs. I’m sure that there are more, but I would contend that those are the biggies. In every successful, long-term relationship I’m familiar with, the woman attends carefully to those three needs without exception.

I know what you’re thinking, “What about my needs, and his responsibility to meet them?” Certainly the man has the same responsibility to discover your needs and attend to them. If you’re in a relationship and that’s not happening, then you’re going to have to go first. Start meeting his needs, and you’ll probably find that his willingness to meet yours skyrockets. No, it’s not fair that you have to make all the effort at first, but that’s the cold, hard reality. Life sucks, get a helmet.