Army of Dog

I have no doubt that you were crawling out of bed this morning, wiping the crust from the corner of your eyes, sitting down at your computer with your first cup of coffee, and saying in your own head “I hope Brett has trolled the dark reaches of the internet and found some ridiculous cocksucker that I would never have had the opportunity to know about otherwise.” Because I’m a giver, I present Myles L. Berman, professional douchebag.

I came across an ad for Myles, or as he introduces himself to the ladies, “Top Gun DUI Attorney,” while following a link from Drudge about one rich, famous guy possibly having a spat with another rich, famous guy over something I couldn’t possibly give a shit about. Myles is apparently hot shit in the world of people who can get you off when you get plastered and climb behind the wheel of your Escalade. In fact, you might say that Myles is to impaired alcoholics who refuse to designate a driver what Johnny Cochran was to black athletes who slit their ex-wife’s throat. Here’s the ad in question.

I don’t know if it’s the gay-porn-actor mustache or the smile of a man who knows his Sex Panther cologne is sure to have the ladies lining up for a little “Top Gun” action, but something about this man says “if you wake up hungover in a cell, give me a call.”

You may think that you have to go to Harvard Law to break into the prestigious world of DUI defense, but Myles is no elitist. He wants to bring his brand of drunk justice to lawyers of all backgrounds. That’s why he created the National Drunk Driving Defense Task Force. Now lawyers from non-Ivy-League schools can claw their way to the middle by becoming DUI defense attorneys.

By the way, I know you saw that “Friends don’t let friends plead guilty!” tag line and now you want to use it in conversation or on your business card. Well, you can’t, he trademarked that shit, and now it’s all his. What did your mother tell you about the early bird and the worm?