Army of Dog

I’m highly sympathetic to anyone who has to deal with the unfortunate consequences of mindless bureaucrats who can’t manage to solve a simple situation without turning it into a publicity-whoring opportunity for Gloria Allred. That being said, why do we feel the need to give someone an award for being the victim of morons.

A North Richland Hills woman who challenged the Transportation Security Administration’s way of dealing with passengers with body piercings was honored Tuesday by a women’s business group.

Mandi Hamlin, 37, was given the Bold Spirit Award by the Women’s Leadership Exchange, a social networking and professional group that helps women with new or small businesses. The award honors women who take action that will have a positive impact on others.

Yes, now nipple-ring-wearing travelers the world over can sleep soundly at night knowing that our heroine has led the charge to make airport security safe. And of course, Gloria Allred has wrapped her tentacles around this situation and is no doubt preparing to milk it for everything she can.

“Mandi is a winner,” said her attorney, Gloria Allred of Los Angeles. “She has shown courage. She has stood up and been willing to reveal some private facts in order to achieve a greater good.”

A “winner?” What the hell did she win? Is this really the kind of thing we need to start handing out awards for? Why is Gloria Allred involved? Can you sue federal employees for stupidity? That sounds like a dangerous (not to mention expensive) precedent.

And please click on the link to the article and watch the video. If I didn’t speak English and had to rely on facial expression and tone of voice, I would think they were honoring someone for charging a machine-gun nest on Iwo Jima. On the flip side, after the inevitable announcement from the TSA about a change of policy regarding body piercings, al Queda will be working furiously to fit a bomb into a cock ring.

Last week I installed a copy of Mint. It’s a website analytics program that tells me all kinds of neat stuff like where people are coming from, what browsers they’re using, their screen resolution, and tons of other general information. For example, most of my traffic comes from Rachel’s site, and there’s been a good bit of activity over the last day or so from Dr. Helen’s blog. I even get a little traffic from Technorati and Google’s Blogsearch. Which brings us to the interesting part.

One of the Mint widgets that I like the most tells me the most recent search strings used to find my site. Here’s where things get interesting. I expected to wind up on the results for phrases like “Obama and abortion” and “scott-jenkins judge.” What I wasn’t quite prepared for was coming up on the results for “sex animal.”

Luckily, the fickle nature of Google’s search algorithm caused my site to fall off of that page in the search results, but notice something about that link. At the end you’ll see a string that says “start=690.” That means that my site came up on page 70 of the Google Blogsearch results for that term. Somebody went through 69 pages of bestiality results to get to my site. Even worse, I have at least three visits from that same referrer. So look around as you peruse my humble site and take note that three of your fellow travelers are probably fucking perverts.

I found this over at Grandma’s House.

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Evidently it measures the number of naughty words on your blog and gives it as a percentage. The thing claims that 14.9% of the pages on this site contain cuss words. I call bullshit. There’s no way in hell it’s that low, and if it is, I’m disappointed with myself. Just in case, here’s an extra one.

cocksucker

In what is no doubt a worldwide plot by the seemingly harmless stingray population to avenge the rape of Mother Nature by evil, SUV-driving humans, a 55-year-old woman was killed while sunbathing on a boat off the coast of Florida.

MARATHON, Fla. (AP) - Officials say a woman died in the Florida Keys after a stingray jumped out of the water and struck her upper body.

The spotted eagle ray had hit the 55-year-old woman while she was in a boat Thursday. Officials say she was hit in the face or neck.

It’s not clear whether the animal’s barb struck the Michigan woman, or if the impact killed her.

Spotted eagle rays can grow up to 17 feet in length and weigh up to 500 pounds.

They are known to occasionally jump out of the water but are not aggressive.

First Steve Irwin, now this. Al Gore tried to warn us, but you people didn’t want to listen. Well who’s laughing now… that’s right, the stingrays are laughing.

Dutch parliament bans sex with animals

The Dutch parliament voted unanimously Thursday to outlaw bestiality and pornography involving animals.

Sex with animals and the making of animal pornography now will carry a punishment of up to six months in jail under the measure.

Current Dutch law forbids bestiality only when animals are found to have been mistreated.

I wonder if some poor bastards had to actually sit down and come up with criteria to determine whether an animal involved in bestiality was “mistreated?” Well, yes, evidently they did, and the current standard says that the prosecution must prove that the animal was an unwilling participant.

I want someone to actually bring the sheep in and put it on the stand:

Prosecutor On the night in question, did you give the defendant any reason to believe that you would willingly participate in sexual activity?

Victim Mmbaaah.

Judge I’m afraid you’ll have to answer the question “yes” or “no.”